As the title suggests, I live in fear.
Why? I guess I am afraid of the unknown.
Why am I afraid to break out of my shell at a bar and finally become the type of seducer that I know I can be? I guess I’m afraid of failure and would rather not get shot down over and over again until I experience success. I’ve debated going to a few bootcamps, but I hear they’re a waste of time. Then again, I get nothing from just reading eBooks or hearing from guys who do much better than me in that type of situation. It’s holding me back and it’s dumb, but it’s the unknown.
Why am I afraid to go to a doctor and get various ailments finally checked out? I guess it’s because I don’t want to understand how dumb I can be when I’m drunk. All of my current ailments occurred from drunken fights and I just don’t want to know how bad I messed myself up. I am sure I broke something in my left hand, did something to my right pinkie and a few years ago, did something to my left knee that doesn’t allow me the freedom to run like I did back in college or pursue my goals of eventually running a marathon (which I should have done back in the day), but I don’t have the money to go through necessary surgeries. It’s all my fault and that’s understood, but the uncertainty of what the extent is could drive me bonkers and has. Plus, I don’t want to go to a doctor and find out that nothing is wrong with me and I just wasted the money to get myself checked out.
Why am I afraid to actually be productive outside of work? I procrastinate so fucking much it’s insane. Almost every month I say, ‘Enough is enough. Right now I shall do everything when it comes to me.’ Almost every month, that goes right out the window. I’m not sure where the fear is, but it needs to go away.
Why am I afraid to pack up my stuff and create a new life as of July 1? My lease ends June 30 and I’ve wanted to leave my current situation for a while now. If you’ve read this blog for an extended period of time, you can understand that. When I spoke with my mom recently, she brought up that maybe this is my time to pick a location and ‘Just go.’ Problem is, I wouldn’t have a job. I wouldn’t have any friends there. I wouldn’t know anything. When I moved to my current city about 5 1/2 years ago, I was in the same boat — but I had a job. That made things a lot easier. I want to create a new life and just do something, but the unknown paralyzes my body and hinders what could be a step in the right direction.
I wish I could open a book and find every answer. I wish I could lay on the grass, look up to the sky and see an obvious sign. Life doesn’t work that way. Man was given the power of choice. You chisel your own fate. Time to be Michelangelo.